Browsing through my files, I came across a collection of rituals, poems, music, etc. that I've been collecting forever and thought you might enjoy. So.....enjoy!! If you have anything you would like to add, please send it to Raven. Also, if anyone knows the authors of any of these, please send the information along so that we can give proper credit.
THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL
Copyright 1993, John Shepard,
Performed at Dragonfest, August 1993
Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the great
big one- as the athame), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small
dish of Nestle's Quick and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate
of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.
CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)
Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast No calories in thy presence last. Let no fat adhere to me And as I will so mote it be!
Nestle's Quick where thou art cast Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. Let all good things come to me, and make my milk all chocolatey!
CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll)
CALL THE QUARTERS:
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one! Great prince of the palace of dessert! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers approaching from the East.
Fondue of the South, Molten one! Great prince of the palace decadence! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets approaching from the South.
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one! Great prince of the palace of thirst! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob approaching from the West.
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one! Great prince of the palace of crunchy! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap imitations approaching from the North.
MAIN RITUAL:
HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss): Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called: Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:
HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue. And you shall be free from depression. And as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my presence. For mine is the ecstasy of phenylalanine, and mine is also the joy on earth, yea, even into high orbit for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in your hand". Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy onto the tummies of men and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death... well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand only your money in sacrifice, for behold, chocolate is a business, and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:
I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy, from me do all confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again.... and again... and again.... and again. Before my smeared face, beloved of women and men, thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you. And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery: "We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it" For behold: I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land. Messed be.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names:
HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become your sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown. I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out. You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you. Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate", for it is vile and bitter. Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else. I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of you hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined.
CUPCAKES AND YOO-HOO
(Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)
HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate HP: For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate" HPS: And neither one is carob HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar
BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.
(blessing of the cupcakes)
HP: Frosting is keen HPS: And frosting is neat BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat!
(Feasting and Drinking)
Dismiss quarters
HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the __________, we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best"
ALL: "Choooooooc-laaaaate"
(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch at the east)
Close circle
Hacker Tarot
This is one of those friend of a friend of a... things that nobody seems to know the author of.
0. The FOOL: a manager using a SPARCStation 413,1432 to run a screensaver.
1. The MAGICIAN: a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a Cray on the table in front of him --- all running the same program with the same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head.
2. The HIGH PRIESTESS: a woman holding the Documentation, closed and concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her..
3. The EMPEROR: Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical disk vertically in his hand.
4. The EMPRESS: A secretary with a NeXT Machine.
5. The HEIROPHANT: Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him, their faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop computer on his head.
6. The LOVERS: a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as an angel bathed in glory regards them.
7. The CHARIOT: A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve, drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white).
8. STRENGTH: A woman holding the entire design and implementation of Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An infinity sign is over her head.
9. The HERMIT: An old hacker, white-bearded, burns the midnight oil; its Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard.
10. The WHEEL OF FORTUNE: A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++ is sitting on top. Four winged beings -- a mouse, a turtle, a dog-cow, and a human -- look on.
11. JUSTICE. A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a delete- key in the other.
12. The HANGED MAN: A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct. His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at dawn. His monitor is reverse-video. He programs on, flawlessly, oblivious to his circumstances.
13. DEATH: A skeleton wielding a scythe surveys a field, on which are scattered PDP-11s, Apple ]['s, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and many other machines.
14. TEMPERANCE: An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor blinks from her chest.
15. The DEVIL: The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans, male and female, are in chains at his feet.
16. The TOWER: An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two robed figures, denied tenure, are hurtled to the ground.
17. The STAR: A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient fragile moment of peace.
18. The MOON: A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's. A crayfish crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove deadly. The moon shines through a window.
19. The SUN: A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs clever applications on a high-quality workstation.
20. JUDGMENT: An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages arise, to be rated Cool or not.
21. The WORLD: A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered, in a ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings from the Wheel of Fortune surround her.
Gilligan's Ritual
Just sit right down and you'll hear a tale A tale of a fateful rite That started in a temple room On a dark, suburban night.
The priest was man with a way with words,
The priestess loved the runes.
Five coveners joined them that night
To celebrate the moon.
The priest he called Cernunnos and
The priestess, she called Bast.
The coveners got nervous when
The pair arrived at last.
"A hunter I am, brave and sure,"
Cernunnos said with pride.
"Oh, hiss!" spat Bast, "If you saw me
In the wildwood, you would hide!"
"Oh, Egypt's joy you are, I note
Cernunnos said with glee.
"A cat who cares for nothing but
Her napping spot and tea."
Bast she did prepare to pounce,
Cernunnos drew his bow.
The coveners withdrew to the west
To hide from the coming blows.
The priest he spoke up hastily,
Said "Let's bring this to an end!"
The priestess said with equal speed,
"Merry part and meet again!"
The circle did dissolve in mist
And the coveners drew breaths.
They'd been sure this was the last -
That this rite would be their deaths.
"That's what we get for mixing up
The pantheons this way."
The priest he shrugged and then he said,
"We'll all recall today."
The priestess rolled her eyes and said,
"Don't be a pompous ass!
It's just what happens when a hunter meets
A
predator in the grass."
To ponder the mystery
Of battling deity.
Was it wrong to call a British god
With an ancient Egyptian cat?
Or was it just the gods' own way
Of having some fun with that?
In the years that passed no answers come
Though they try all that they may,
They just remember the final words
Of both the gods that day.
"Just sit back and enjoy the show,
And smile whene'er you might.
We are the gods of earth and sky.......
Here in Gilligan's Rite!"
From: delia "<delia_79@yahoo.com>"
Alexandrian/Gardnerian:
To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say, though, that it *really* is an ancient rite, dating far back in time, back even before 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage. As Gerald said, it takes a chicken to make an egg.
Asatru:
First, we don't believe in a "One Chicken" or a "Hen and Rooster." We believe in many chickens. Second, "crossing the road" is part of the three levels, or worlds, and the chicken simply crossed from one level to another. Hail to the Chickens!
British Traditional:
The word "chicken" comes from a very specific Old English word ("gechekken"), and it only properly applies to certain fowl of East Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I suppose they are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road, but you must remember that traditional roads are not to be confused with the modern roads....
Celtic:
In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer's day, there is still practiced St. Henny's Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan Chicken Crossing fertility rite. Today, modern pagans are reviving the practice, dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.
Ceremonial:
"Crossing the road" is a phrase that summarizes many magical structures erected and timed by the chicken to produce the energy necessary for the intention of the travel across the road. For example, the astrological correspondences had to be correct, the moon had to be waxing (if the chicken intended to come to the other side of the road) or waning (if the chicken intended to flee to the other side of the road), and the chicken had to prepare herself through fasting and proper incantations. Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning an egg *inside* your chicken self) can produce abnormal or even dangerous eggs and should only be conducted inside a properly erected barnyard. ...
Chaos:
Thinking in terms of "roads" and "crossings" is simply looking at the formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing space-ti me. We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm ---- it is the **road** which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along: two roads can simultaneously exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called "crossing"), we can manifest the road. Of course, to the unknowledgeable, this appears as a chicken crossing the road.
Dianic:
The chykyn ("chicken" is term of patriarchal oppression) sought to reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the road, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakened the power of the Hen within herself.
Discordian:
cock-a-doodle-doo!
Druid:
To get to the sacred grove, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash, based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken sacrifices in the past, but that is over now...
Eclectic:
Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some Egyptian style corn and a Celtic sounding word for the road and incorporated some Native American elements into her Corn-name, Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-Wolves.
Faery:
In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained can still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting with these "fey-fowl" as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance between the energies of modern development and living with the earth.
Family Traditional:
Growing up, we didn't think much about "crossing the road." A chicken was a chicken. It crossed the road because that was what worked to get her to the other side. We focused on what worked, and we worked more with the elders of the barnyard and less with all this "guardians of the chickencoop" business. We didn't get our concepts of "chickens" or "the other side" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe us since we did not "scratch down" on paper wh at was clucked to us orally (which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid becoming Easter chicken soup!), but that doesn't change the facts: there *were* real chickens, and they *really did* cross the road!
Kitchen Witch:
The chicken crossed the road to get food, to get a rooster or to get away from me after I decided to have chicken for supper!
Left Hand Path:
White, fluffy chickens prancing across the road ! Do you think that is *all* there is to crossing the road? Do you *dare* to know the Dark Side of crossing the road and the *other* path to self-development?
New Age:
The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one her lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense and bright, white corn to explore on the Other Side.
Newbie:
well, 'cause I read in this really kewl book that said, like, chickens are supposed to cross the road, right?
Posting on an Online Discussion Group:
What do you mean ???!!!??? Haven't you read **any** of the previous posts? We've been [expletive deleted] debating every word of that question, painstakingly trying to come to some kind of answer. I know you wrote "Was: why chickens cross the road, I'm not looking for any chicken spells" but I'm fed up with newbies who can't even bother to REEEEEEEEAAADDD the posts on that very topic! No, this is *not* a flame. But, I and several others here have the *maturity* to properly explore and respond to this question, and we were properly trained; we *didn't* just read a book and think we were full-fledged chickens. "<much better after ranting>"
Solitaire:
The chicken didn't want to be part of a coven or an oven.
Shaman:
Crossing the road is a way to reconnect with the healing, visionary lifeways of the past. Chickens have long known this, but increasingly the Rooster's Movement is adding more roosters to the crossings too.
Snert:
Hey, are you guys really chickens? Can you give me a spell that will make a chicken cross the road?
Wiccan:
The chicken crossed the road because she felt like she was finally "coming home." She could do it alone or with others, but she had to call to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the Barnyard first ... uhm, after casting the circle.
How Some Pagan Authors Might Respond:
Margot Adler:
The recent chicken resurgence, it can be argued, is directly based on a response to the suburban middle class experience. While I found that chickens-who-cross-roads who responded to my survey are of a wide range of ages and backgrounds, I discovered some trends in the "why" of crossing the road. For some it is was freedom. For some it is chickenism. Many chickens told me they crossed the road for intellectual satisfaction. One thing is clear: the growth of road crossing by chickens is expanding in the numbers of chickens and in the ways they cross the road, including at chicken festivals and for political blocking of roads.
I. Bonewits:
Real crossing-the-road, we have seen, is a very interwoven and complicated subject. Our conclusion could be that real crossing-the-road is the build up of chicken emotion in conjunction with chicken concepts to vary the modulation of chicken energy so as to effect the modulation of the road's energy. That's all! Perhaps it is unfortunate, though, to use the word "chicken" in relation to it, since t he "C" word is being used now in a way it was never used before in the English language and is an utterly meaningless term without a qualifying adjective. And this, of course, is the fault of the medieval Christian Church, through the Gothic Chickens it invented and used as the basis of persecuting men, women and chickens. The word "chicken" itself comes from an Indo-European root, "cheeka/e" meaning "one who lays eggs," and it has no relation to the later Anglo-saxon word for "wise spirit of flight," as so often stated by certain contemporary "Chics." An'Chk'Rrhod ("Our Own Chickens on Our Own Roads"), an authentic Neo-Chicken Rooster tradition, offers the best of paleo-, meso- and neo- Chickenism ...
Carlos Castenada
4/10/1964 I spent 14 hours, without food or water, sitting on the dirt and under the sun in front of Don Juan's house, grinding chicken feed. I asked Don Juan if I could have a drink of water, and he told me that it was always this way, that a man who wanted to cross the road with the chicken c annot have any food or water till the chicken feed is ground. I asked Don Juan if the chicken is an ally, like the little smoke. Don Juan seemed to get angry and stayed silent. After I completed grinding the corn, I hallucinated from heat exhaustion, and D on Juan said I was ready. As I collapsed to my side, I spilled the chicken feed around me. A chicken appeared to be eating the feed around me, and I became strangely absorbed in the vision. I heard Don Juan's voice tell me, "You must let the chicken cross the road into you. It is very painful, but for a man of knowledge it is easy."
Scott Cunningham:
A chicken passes between the grasses, clucking. The wind blows, and the chicken knows, *knows*, that this is the time. She puts her energy into taking the steps, in harmony with the gravel and the stones of the road. She is across; it is over, and the chicken stands in the field on the other side of the road.... Natural chicken crossing is unique among most other branches of the art of chicken road crossing. I t doesn't require years of collecting or fashioning coops, feeders or hen houses. Indeed, the most important tools of natural chicken crossing are free: the road, the chicken and you, your personal chicken power. You're already familiar with it. You've felt it. You *are* a chicken. Crossing the road is you, with your chicken need. And, you can do it on your own. After all, who initiated the first chicken?
Janet and Stewart Farrar:
Since so many editions of Gardner's Chicken Book of Crossings have appeared in print (some accurate, some not), we think it won't "lay an egg" too much if we clearly present "The Chicken Crossing Rite," especially if we do so after two and half pages of well researched introduction set in six-point type. In version A of the Chicke n Crossing Rite, we find many pseudo-archaisms (e.g., "Yea, Ye Anciente Rite of Ye Chiks and Ye Rodes is a moste powerful Crafting, taking thy athame ..."); however, Doreen Valiente notes (in version C, which is what we present), and we agree, that underlying it all is a basic ritual for summoning the astral road through the spirit of the Chicken (drawn down in the person of the High Priestess, holding the black handled feed bin; of course, a second degree may assist or perform the rite when....
Llewellyn's Practical Chicken Magick Series:
To some people, the idea that "chickens crossing the road" is practical comes as a surprise. It shouldn't. The whole idea of Crossing the Road is practical for chickens. While Crossing the Road is also, and properly so, concerned with spiritual growth and psychological transformation \endash the "why" of crossing the road-- every chicken's life must rest firmly on material roads. Crossing the Road is the flowering of chicken potential. And the profits from publishing all those books on how to do so? Well, that ain't chicken feed...
Starhawk:
The chicken crossed the road to reclaim the crossing experience, the experience of being fully alive, with streams and earth and rocks and road, in the fullness of her chickenhood after thousands of years of roosterarchy. The chicken crossing the road ---not a chicken laying eggs, not a chicken being roasted and eaten--- a chicken strong and free, crossing the road, this is something I can believe in. We chickens, as chickens, can reclaim this in harmony with the Earth who gives life to all chickens and Who has been terribly scratched by roosters. Exercises: Dance the Spiral Chicken.
Doreen Valiente:
Old Chicken really did exist, and she really did cross the road. Gerald talked about her often, but she didn't cross the road till before I began studying with Gerald. Still, there are records of Old Chicken which confirm her reality. As for all the comments that Gerald had a "thing" for chickens, that is simply not true. The reason we worked with chickens is really quite simple: it worked!
Silver Raven Wolf:
Although many times people have asked me why exactly the chicken crossed the road, I often wonder myself. My point is that every chicken comes to the road in a different way, and there is no on e correct way for the chicken to get to the road to be crossed. The study of crossing the road is hard work if the chicken is going to develop any degree of proficiency. It is not something where you can just cluck yourself across the road. The first time my chicken crossed the road was for my chicken's friend, whose rooster was being abusive. The chicken worked the steps for crossing the road after carefully considering all the reasons for crossing the road and all the steps she would have to take. Finally, my chicken just started clucking and flapping her wings and started across the road. When she reached the other side, her friend's rooster was respectful! Afterwards, the chicken ate some corn to ground herself.
RJ Stewart:
All the chickens we will be visiting in this meditation will be real. The chickens will be crossing the road in their own time. They are alive in their present, not dead in our past. Please understand that doing work with the chickens is not a replacement for therapy.
This is courtesy Walking Stick.
(Tune: The Beverly Hillbillies by E. Scruggs) (Lyrical adaptation by Hare)
Now listen to the words of the Great Star Mother,
In days long past called by one name or tuther,
"I am your Mammy, Queen of Earth, Air, Fire, Sea,
So you better quit your yappin' an' listen to me."
(Isis that is, Astarte, Cerridwen)
"Now y'all listen up, 'cause I'd hate to be a bitch,
When we have our shindigs t'aint none should wear a stitch.
Y'all will eat an' drink an' dance an' love, to show that you're free,
'Cause all acts of pleasure are sacred to me."
(Skyclad that is, Great Rite, Cakes an' Wine)
"If you wanna know my secrets, then look in your own hide,
'Cause if what you seek aint there, well, it won't be found outside.
The greatest Mysteries t'aint really dread nor dire,
I'm with you at the start, and at the end of desire."
(That's right, listen to your heart. Y'all will come back now, y'hear?)
YEEEE--HAWWWW, BLESSED BE Y'ALL!!!!
--Callisto
A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,
I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her that her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from doing any drawing until then.
And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.
One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.
With Deep Concerns,
Mrs. Livingston
P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.
December 1~ Bury turkey carcass from Thanksgiving under the Holy tree to thank the tree for the six bushels pruned to decorate the halls with. Draw pentagram in the dirt with silver dust to prevent pet She-Wolf from digging up the bones.
December 2~ Order 20 cases of Irish whiskey to be left for the Good Folk on Yule. Re-bury turkey carcass, re-do pentagram in gold dust.
December 3~ Draw pentagram on each sheet of toliet paper using silver marker for that festive holiday touch. Have staff re-roll the paper onto Victorian "crackers" for that surprise element. Re-bury carcess, consecrate concrete block, spray paint with gold and use as planter for poinsetta. Place over carcess.
December 4~ Take She-Wolf to vet for eating poinsetta. Send out telepathic party invitations to 200 witches, shaman, and druids for Yule party.
December 5~ Ex-mother in law's birthday. Send Victoria Secret's nightgown rubbed with stinging nettle. Begin receiving telepathic RCVP's for Yule party.
December 6~ Hand dip 365 gold candles for Yule party. Consecrate using Sacred Lady Martha of the Steward Clan Yule Oil at a K-Mart near YOU! Have staff clean up the mess. Pick Up She-Wolf at vets.
December 7~ Harvest herbs for the garden and and crochet 200 herb pillows for guests. Stuff with the microwaved dried herbs.
December 8~ Have the staff get their arms tatooed with suns now so there will be time for the reddness to disapear in time for the party. Have staff decorate the Yule Tree.
December 9~ Repaint Nativity Scene so figures represent Isis, Osiris, and Osiris. Re-bury turkey. Take She-wolf to the pound. Buy new wolf pup. Hire dog trainer.
December 10~ 11 Fly to Europe to grub for truffles. Pick up whiskey at the Irish distillery on the way back.
December 12~ Use Dremal tool to carve chalices out of quartz crystal balls for the party. Roll the hand dipped candles in the crystal dust to make them sparkle.
December 13 Coven meeting! Get symbolically pregnant by the HP during symbolic Great Rite ritual. Give hand forged athames as gifts to coven members.
December 14~ Get six foot Yule Log from the local land co-op. Decorate with holly, ivy and hand dipped candles rolled in the crystal dust.
December 15~ See herbalist for private itching that has been going on since last coven meeting. Burn all undergarments. Have factory send new ones in red and green.
December 16~ Daughter home from college. Send her to herbalist, too. Invite local fauna to graze on the front lawn for decoration and hang wreaths over their necks.
December 17~ Climb great oak and cut mistletoe using golden sickle. Leave hand cast silver coins at base in thanks. Burn sage now to cleanse house so the smell will be gone in time for the party. Pick up golden robe at dry cleaners and pack in lavender.
December 18~ Appear on Oprah to show my support for her coming out of the broom closet. Bake chocolate moon pies with banana cream filling, symbolic of the return of the sun. Bake "stained glass" Pentacle cookies.
December 19~ Bake brownies laced with valerian and give to fundamentalist neighbor. Butcher, gut and pluck 150 pheasants from the backyard coop and marinate in consecrated wine. Harvest wild rice from the patty out back.
December 20~ Yule party. Carve sliced carrot to resemble miniature suns. Put red dye in the men's toilet tanks, green in the women's toilet tanks. Have staff do the cooking while I dress in my ceremonial robe. When guests and TV crew arrive, assume meditative pose.
December 21~ dawn - give birth to symbolic sun god on the dining room table as the guests and TV crew look on. After guest leave, collect empty whiskey bottles drunk by the Good Folk and recycle. Take a nap and dream of what I'll do for Imbolg.
Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan's Beltane Planner
April 1: Finalize guestlist for Beltane shindig. Decide that Al Gore will be the May King this year, seeing as Bill was it last year. Cross off Monica as possible May Queen, considering the fiasco from last year. Perhaps Janet Reno would consent to being May Queen this year? Have my people contact her people.
April 2: Check jousting fields out back and mow. Meet with vet at noon for inspection of destiers.
April 3: Confirm the Skyclad Strolling Minstrels for the party. Make paper for Beltane invitations out of papyrus growing in water garden.
April 4: Coven meeting. Channel Sybil Leek.
April 5-10: Fly to Ireland to collect the nine sacred woods necessary for the Beltane fire. Meet with the Sidhe to arrange for special guest appearances by the Dagda and Aengus. Have dinner with Bono et wife.
April 11: Special guest appearance at the Temple of the Pleasant Fabrics to discuss new ways to worship satin.
April 12: Meet with florist to special order flowers from Hawaii to float in pool. Inspect back yard for poison ivy, spray with organic herbicide.
April 13: Craft horn crown for the May King out of Sculpey. Craft flower headdress for May Queen out of silk flowers specially ordered from the Temple of Pleasant fabrics.
April 14: Send out invites for party, confirm Al as May King. Janet backed out, have my people call Rosie's people.
April 15 : Beat tax accountant with flogger for not getting me a large enough tax eturn.
April 16: Special guest appearance on Rosie. Confirm Rosie as May Queen.
April 17: Spray poison ivy with organic herbicide, again. Mow jousting field, again. Informal party with the jousters in the hayloft of the barn.
April 18: Pull rest of hay out of hair. Meet with house staff to review party menu. Check the mead in the basement. Coven meeting, Movie Night! Bring popcorn-on-ears grown in garden last year for snack.
April 19-21: Quicky visit to the Caribbean for deep sea fishing with "The Boys."
April 22 : Begin receiving RSVP's for party. Mow jousting field again. Use non-organic herbicide on poison ivy.
April 23: Inspect 18-foot imported farm-grown teak Maypole. Sand smooth, polish to a sheen with Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan's Personal Lubricant. Flog staff member for video-taping the polishing.
April 24: Erect Maypole in backyard. Plant petunias from Big K around the base. Make silk ribbons for Maypole.
April 25: Wymin meeting! Get in touch with my masculine side.
April 26: Begin construction of Robe of Flowers to resemble Bloudewedd for Beltane. Bake 25 dozen Devil's Food cakes and freeze. Sugar 3 pounds of violets to garnish; refrigerate.
April 27: Mow jousting field. Spray poison ivy with commercial-strength herbicide.
April 28: Begin chilling mead on imported ice block imported from Greenland.Fold 200 cloth napkins to resemble male and female genitalia.
April 29: Pick up the Dagda and Aengus in backyard circle of stone/portal. Situate them comfortably in the hill out back.
April 30: Small ritual to celebrate the end of winter with the coven, the Dagda, and Aengus. Do the wild thing with The Dagda and Aengus in the bushes.
May 1: Buy mass quantities of Homeopathic Calamine lotion at Big K and apply to rash. Hire new subcontractor to pull up poison ivy still hiding in the bushes. Carve 60 pounds of fresh fruit to resemble flowers.
May 2: Party! Finish flower robe by hot-gluing flower petals to silk robe. Bathe in homeopathic calamine. Flog staff members just for the hell of it. Take homeopathic Benadryl for itch. Arrange flowers on top of maypole. Make 20 gallons of fresh squeezed lemonade. Have staff strategically place Pagan Condoms throughout the house and yard. Ride in on white mare. Greet guests. Forget took benadryl and drink copious amounts of mead. Barf in bushes. Dance nekkid around the maypole. Crown Al and Rosie. Jump the fire. Test Al's fitness to be the new King of the Land.
May 3: Send Al home. Thank the gods I'm not Tipper. Bathe in homeopathic calamine again. Start making plans for Lughnasdha.
You might be a TechnoPagan if:
-You call
your corners on a cellular phone.
-You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.
-You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa.
-You use a remote control in place of an athame.
-You download your book of shadows.
-You cast your circle in a chat room.
-Your familiar is a mouse.
-You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a
computer.
-Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.
-Your altar cloth is a mouse pad.
-Your cauldron is a crock-pot.
-Your cone of power has a surge suppressor.
-Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
-If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.
-Your athame has a SCSI interface.
-Your OBE's begin with a netsplit.
-Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.
-You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98.
-Your altar has a keyboard.
-Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).
-You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be.
-You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.
-You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.
-You invite the God and Goddess to come online.
-You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).
-You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.
-You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
-Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
-Your candles have batteries.
-Your deities include Murphy and Gates.
-Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded).
-Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight).
-Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby.
-Your incense is by Glade.
-Your magic wand is a laser pointer.
-Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.
-Your pentacle is made of computer chips.
-Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating
system they run.
-Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area.
-Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.
-You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).
-You do cord magick with ethernet.
-You ritually down your server for Samhain.
-When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.
-Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.
-Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).
-Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
-Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.
-Your search for truth involves regular expressions.
-You draw down the moon using a light-pen.
-Your tarot cards multi-task.
-Your daemons collect news for you.
-Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.
-You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.
-You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser.
-Your favorite deity has a homepage.
-The address of your covenstead begins with http://
-Your circle is a token ring.